I'm Pregnant...... Get me the President!!!!!

I understand that having a child is a milestone in life. I get that its a very special time for a couple, and also a very emotional one. However, there is no need to constantly remind EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME over social media.

We get it, you're pregnant, congratulations.

I feel like I've gone through some of these pregnancies myself with these people. Scan photos, an inventory of baby purchases, "my baby's progress" applications. Honestly, is there any need?

The worst though, is those who get knocked up, and then constantly moan about it. Perhaps you should have thought about that as you were getting your slot filled. Put a fucking bag on it, its not hard, many people manage to do it. If you've not got a bag handy, just wank him off or something..... Don't piss and moan about it because you were irresponsible one night.

I don't have any children before you ask... so that will get peoples backs up. I can already hear the cries of "until you have a child you have no idea". Well if i do manage to knock a bird up, the last thing i do will be to go onto Facebook/Twitter and have a cry wank about it. I'll have to take responsibility for my actions, rather than cursing my luck and vying for peoples sympathy.

Having a child should be a fantastic milestone in life. Not a annoying autobiography about constantly needing a wee and your sore nipples.

The McDonalds Coffee Advert

Specifically the table of black women who comment "He text me and said 'See you later'"

The biggest gripe is the way they pronounces the word "Later" as two separate words of "Lay-Tar", to which all her mates repeat it in exactly the same way.
Its so glaringly obvious that they are pronouncing it stupidly as well, it just jumps out of the TV at you.

And you have to feel sorry for the poor sod who has been taken to Maccys for his girlfriend/wife to break up with him. What a fucking bitch....... bet he paid for that coffee as well. So a bitch and at cheapskate.......

Bob Geldof

Homeless looking, talentless, meddlesome tossbag

Stick to making music rather than involving yourself in matters that don't concern you. Oh hang on, you were shit at that too...... Better wind everyone up with some preaching then eh?

More to come on this subject....

Piers Morgan

What a parasite this bloke is. If there were a rat hierarchy he’d be the king.

What a snivelling little pathetic piece of shit he is. His constant smarmy and “I’m better than you” attitude sums up what his life is about really. Wafting along on an air of self importance, letting everyone else know that you’re so much better than them.

Firstly, he’s a former newspaper editor (of 2 different newspapers I may add), making him one of the most vile people in Britain. These people scrabble around looking for dirt on other “celebrities” to feed their own ego’s and make themselves feel better about their own pathetic lives.

Whilst at “The Mirror” he was found guilty for breaching the code of conduct on financial journalism by the Press Complaints Commission, when he used his position at The Mirror newspaper to buy £67,000 of shares in his wife’s name. Two other employees, who ran the financial section of the paper, were also found guilty and promptly fired. Mr Morgan however got off scot free, and continued his reign as editor of the newspaper. Arsehole.

Then if course he deliberately prints pictures of the British Army abusing Iraqi prisoners, which of course then turn out to be fake. This has quite obviously been done to feed his own sense of importance and self worth. He is promptly sacked from the newspaper. A good thing you may think? Unfortunately not. This has led to him landing a series of prime time lucrative jobs including his own chat show, in which his main aim is to make people tell the most intimate details of their lives and then break down crying. We most know him though from seeing his little rat shit face on “Britain’s Got Talent” in which he is one of the judges. I find this to be slightly rich, as he basically has the talent of a sewer rat, scuttling around everyone else’s shit, looking for a few scraps to feed on.

But I suppose there is some justice in the world. Take this quote for example…

BUSH ENCOUNTERS 'FOOLPROOF' TECHNOLOGY

"THE makers promise it will never fall over... So even George Bush should be able to use the Segway personal two-wheel transporter without tumbling off. After all, it's kept upright by some of the most sophisticated gyroscopes known to man, linked to a series of computers to detect the slightest movement.

But if anyone can make a pig's ear of riding a sophisticated, self-balancing machine like this, Dubya can. The President climbed on, stumbled a bit, then crashed off the other side - before it had actually gone anywhere. And this is the man who used to fly fighter planes.

Of course he’s then broken the golden rule. If you insult someone for failing at something, never try that thing yourself, just in case you make yourself look like an idiot. Morgan used a Segway when in the US; he went scooting off on it, promptly fell off and broke 3 of his ribs. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy eh? And just to rub salt into the wound. It was all caught on camera. I have provided the link below. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWx06tUxWo4

Glee

This can fuck right off. It must be the WORST show I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing.

Typical candy cane Yankee bollocks. Take a popular format and rape it until its completely dry (see "The Nations/World's obsession with Vampires").

"High School Musical" was a popular Disney kids franchise (albeit extremely annoying). So of course the makers of Glee have decided that they will run with this format, and rinse it to the nth degree.

Cheerleaders? Check

Songs? Check

Dance Routines? Check

Typical High School setting? Check

Actors playing characters much younger than themselves? Check

And then there is the songs.... talk about murder. Here are just a few of the songs they've managed to butcher over the past year or so

Journey - Don't Stop Believin'

Queen - Somebody to Love

REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling

Heart - Alone

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Proud Mary

Jennifer Holliday - And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going

And the most criminal of all of these macabre covers?

John Lennon - Imagine

I'll never in all my days understand why the Lennon estate allowed a bunch of ingrates and love-to-dress-up-as-schoolkids Yank wankers, to cover one of the greatest songs ever written in living memory. It beggars belief sometimes it really does.

And then you have the fans, the people who watch this fucking dross. They're affectionately known as "Gleeks", geddit? Its like "Glee, and Geek" being amalgamated... Brilliant eh?

I affectionately refer to them as "Cunts"

Lady Gaga

There is no denying that this woman has talent. Her performance at the "Royal Variety" goes to show that. However why would you dress up as one of the rejects from "The Muppet Show" all the time? Maybe its because she looks like a toad with a sticklebrick up its arse.

I realise that she is trying to stand out from the crowd, however why not do that by releasing some decent music. The paint by numbers rubbish that she comes out with at the moment does not do her voice justice.

And the amount of fat oiks up and down the country attempting to relate to her music. "Oh man, i had a bad romance once..... Lady Gaga knows what i mean, she must have had one too". No love, maybe you should stop shoveling KFC in your mouth, and then your romance might be better than the one you have with a bucket of chicken.

Check this out for a quality pretentious quote, talk about ridiculous:

“This evening I’ll probably stay in and listen to this new song I recorded today. I like to roll around in bed with my songs and figure out what feels good.”

“I was very excited because my room is this gorgeous penthouse with a white baby-grand piano in the living room. When I saw it, I started to cry. I played for a couple of hours, then gave my assistant a heart attack because I wouldn’t take a shower. I was like, ‘I’m not showering. I’m being brilliant and writing.”

“When you make music or write or create, it’s really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you’re writing about at the time.”

You'll be needing some more makeup, or another lobster to cover that inflated head love.. And I'm sure the STI clinic are loving your irresponsible sex quote.... Mong.

The Nation/World's current obsession with Vampires

Remember when Vampires used to be scary? Scary and cool?

Well scratch that notion because some hippy has decided that "Vampires need love too" and that "Vampires are people", that last statement obviously being completely absurd and retarded.

Gone are the days when Vampires would murder you in your sleep, turning you to the dark side and a unforgiving thirst. Now they want a kiss and a cuddle and for you to "understand" them. Do me a favour.

Remember Blade? That was a bit of a non-standard Vampire story, Mother is bitten by Vampire when pregnant and is born a Vampire who had all of their strengths and none of their weaknesses (there or thereabouts). Which was basically cool as fuck.

These days its all about Vampires falling in love with cretins with no friends, they're usually pretty ugly too. I've never seen "The Vampire Diaries", however i can reel you off the plot in a nutshell.

"Girl falls in love with Vampire/Vampires, boredom ensues"

Then we have "Tru Blood", which i have seen a few episodes of. The plot of that seems to be this:

"Redneck girl falls in love with a Vampire in backwards hicksville town. Makers realise that show is a bit shit, therefore fills it with loads of sex for pre pubescent teenagers to wank off to"

Then of course we have the ultimate offender.........Twilight

Now, I HAVE seen this film, so i can go a bit deeper into this one. This could well be one of the worst films that's ever been made in the history of cinema.

Approximately 20 mins of this film must just contain people staring at each other across a canteen, literally, that is all they are doing. 2 people staring at each other.

Then we have the excellent bit in the forest, which again the 2 main characters are staring at each other.... but this time to add some much needed action, they spin the camera in all directions rapidly, similar to "The Matrix". Woah, way to spice up that stare eh? Seriously, its like the cameraman has has some sort of fucking seizure.

Then we have the storyline..... oh hang on, we've done that already haven't we "Ugly girl falls in love with a Vampire", who in turn is pretty fucking ugly himself, he looks like someone has thrown some emulsion against a wall and then etched on some features in felt tip.

Then... the crux of it all, and this is brilliant... We've been led to believe that if you shower a vampire in sunlight (or any UV light) he'll burst into a flaming fireball and scream for his little undead life. However in Twilight, he glitters..... yeah you read that right. GLITTERS. How fucking lame is that?

Then we have the people who play them, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, who seem like the two most boring people in the entire universe. I saw a program with Stewart on the red carpet at some awards ceremony, they must have told us about 20 times that she hates the limelight and awards ceremonies. If that's the case, do you possibly think she is in the wrong business? I hate heights, petrified of them. Therefore taking a job on top of the Empire State building isn't very high (no pun intended) on my list....

We've already commented on the appearance of Pattinson and his exceptionally "established" eyebrows. But again, he just seems to be the most boring person walking. Constantly on the precipice of tears all the time. Cheer up kidda, think of all that money that you'll be sitting on being a heartthrob for all those ladies, despite your gloss/matt appearance. Oh no hang on you'll be probably be counting grains of rice or tie dying t-shirts with your lovely partner Kristen.

Oh to be a fly on the wall in that household eh? Riveting!