Well scratch that notion because some hippy has decided that "Vampires need love too" and that "Vampires are people", that last statement obviously being completely absurd and retarded.
Gone are the days when Vampires would murder you in your sleep, turning you to the dark side and a unforgiving thirst. Now they want a kiss and a cuddle and for you to "understand" them. Do me a favour.
Remember Blade? That was a bit of a non-standard Vampire story, Mother is bitten by Vampire when pregnant and is born a Vampire who had all of their strengths and none of their weaknesses (there or thereabouts). Which was basically cool as fuck.
These days its all about Vampires falling in love with cretins with no friends, they're usually pretty ugly too. I've never seen "The Vampire Diaries", however i can reel you off the plot in a nutshell.
"Girl falls in love with Vampire/Vampires, boredom ensues"
Then we have "Tru Blood", which i have seen a few episodes of. The plot of that seems to be this:
"Redneck girl falls in love with a Vampire in backwards hicksville town. Makers realise that show is a bit shit, therefore fills it with loads of sex for pre pubescent teenagers to wank off to"
Then of course we have the ultimate offender.........Twilight
Now, I HAVE seen this film, so i can go a bit deeper into this one. This could well be one of the worst films that's ever been made in the history of cinema.
Approximately 20 mins of this film must just contain people staring at each other across a canteen, literally, that is all they are doing. 2 people staring at each other.
Then we have the excellent bit in the forest, which again the 2 main characters are staring at each other.... but this time to add some much needed action, they spin the camera in all directions rapidly, similar to "The Matrix". Woah, way to spice up that stare eh? Seriously, its like the cameraman has has some sort of fucking seizure.
Then we have the storyline..... oh hang on, we've done that already haven't we "Ugly girl falls in love with a Vampire", who in turn is pretty fucking ugly himself, he looks like someone has thrown some emulsion against a wall and then etched on some features in felt tip.
Then... the crux of it all, and this is brilliant... We've been led to believe that if you shower a vampire in sunlight (or any UV light) he'll burst into a flaming fireball and scream for his little undead life. However in Twilight, he glitters..... yeah you read that right. GLITTERS. How fucking lame is that?
Then we have the people who play them, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, who seem like the two most boring people in the entire universe. I saw a program with Stewart on the red carpet at some awards ceremony, they must have told us about 20 times that she hates the limelight and awards ceremonies. If that's the case, do you possibly think she is in the wrong business? I hate heights, petrified of them. Therefore taking a job on top of the Empire State building isn't very high (no pun intended) on my list....
We've already commented on the appearance of Pattinson and his exceptionally "established" eyebrows. But again, he just seems to be the most boring person walking. Constantly on the precipice of tears all the time. Cheer up kidda, think of all that money that you'll be sitting on being a heartthrob for all those ladies, despite your gloss/matt appearance. Oh no hang on you'll be probably be counting grains of rice or tie dying t-shirts with your lovely partner Kristen.
Oh to be a fly on the wall in that household eh? Riveting!
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