Text Speak

Jesus wept this gets on my tit end!

I can put up with the truncation of certain words, "Cos" instead of "Because" for example, and "Gonna" instead of "Going To". What i can't abide however is the way that people (some call them arseholes) seem to forget that there are vowels in the alphabet.

"duz ne1 no if dat gm is cumin out dis munth?"

The word MONTH and MUNTH have the same amount of letters you fucking idiot. Honestly its like getting a dog to ice skate sometimes when addressing these cretins.

Another great idea is incorporating numbers with the words

h8trs, m8, 4evea..... seriously? Are you a child?

Most of the time it looks like you've have some sort of fucking seizure all over your keyboard. I could imagine though that it might well be your fucking dribble getting in the keys and shorting it.

I'd also like to add a special mention to those people who seem to elongate words without knowing it. Particularly the way the word "Ask" is turned into "Arske" within certain ethnic communities. Stop it, just stop it right now. You're not from the Bronx, or Harlem or anywhere like that, so stop trying to be all gangstarrrrrrrr and get yourself a Speak & Spell that will teach you how to talk properly.

This post was brought to you today by the letters A,E,I,O and U - LEARN THEM!

Danny Dyer

"You wha? Appwls-n-pears? 'ow's yer farver? whiswle n flute?"

THE most typecast person in the history of the world. Need a cockney wideboy for something? Give Dyer a call, he's your man. Need some cockney faux-gangster attitude? Get Danny round "e's da biszniss innit?"

"So we're making a documentary on Football Hooliganism. Who can we get to present it? We're going to need someone with a knowledge of football firms and gangs, and someone who can also act double hard and be all sinister and menacing to camera..... I know lets get wet-end fanny and football follower Danny Dyer to present it, and we'll call it REAL Football Factories. Cos he was in a film called that you know!? Oh its just all falling into place"

People who stand and drink at the bar

This doesn't annoy me during quiet periods, I even sometimes stand at the bar when its quiet. However, ignorant fuckers who stand there refusing to budge when its busy are on about the same level as rapists to me. They're the kind of people who enjoy talking about what they're doing at work when they are away from the office, the constant boaster and show off.

And you'll notice most of the time when you encounter one of these beasts, they usually reek of B.O, it must have been that rigorous day at the office!