Text Speak

Jesus wept this gets on my tit end!

I can put up with the truncation of certain words, "Cos" instead of "Because" for example, and "Gonna" instead of "Going To". What i can't abide however is the way that people (some call them arseholes) seem to forget that there are vowels in the alphabet.

"duz ne1 no if dat gm is cumin out dis munth?"

The word MONTH and MUNTH have the same amount of letters you fucking idiot. Honestly its like getting a dog to ice skate sometimes when addressing these cretins.

Another great idea is incorporating numbers with the words

h8trs, m8, 4evea..... seriously? Are you a child?

Most of the time it looks like you've have some sort of fucking seizure all over your keyboard. I could imagine though that it might well be your fucking dribble getting in the keys and shorting it.

I'd also like to add a special mention to those people who seem to elongate words without knowing it. Particularly the way the word "Ask" is turned into "Arske" within certain ethnic communities. Stop it, just stop it right now. You're not from the Bronx, or Harlem or anywhere like that, so stop trying to be all gangstarrrrrrrr and get yourself a Speak & Spell that will teach you how to talk properly.

This post was brought to you today by the letters A,E,I,O and U - LEARN THEM!

Scouting for Girls

If I ever end up in Hell, this is what will continuously play as i descend into madness. What a loathsome bunch of cretins these lot are. Basing the name of your band on a book that was written in 1908, by a man who like spending all his time with young boys. That's a damning statement before you've even started

I can imagine there is a lot of writers block involved when coming up with songs. Evidenced by the repeated words in each of these songs. Imagine a band meeting.....

Idiot 1 - "Right guys, here's our new song "Shes So Lovely", now i've got a bit of the chorus sorted, so we need to flesh it out a bit"

Idiot 2 - "How about "She's so Lovely"?"

1 - "We've used that already number 2, can you not think of anything else?"

2 - "Erm, no not really"

Idiot 3 - "How about we repeat it tiresomely and endlessly, and also, instead of using the word "Lovely" in its normal 2 syllable form, lets throw in an extra one for good measure, like "Lov-er-ley"

1 - "I knew there was a reason i hired you number 3.... That is pure BRILLIANCE!"

Overall the band can be typified via the name of the frontman - Roy.

I rest my case.

Danny Dyer

"You wha? Appwls-n-pears? 'ow's yer farver? whiswle n flute?"

THE most typecast person in the history of the world. Need a cockney wideboy for something? Give Dyer a call, he's your man. Need some cockney faux-gangster attitude? Get Danny round "e's da biszniss innit?"

"So we're making a documentary on Football Hooliganism. Who can we get to present it? We're going to need someone with a knowledge of football firms and gangs, and someone who can also act double hard and be all sinister and menacing to camera..... I know lets get wet-end fanny and football follower Danny Dyer to present it, and we'll call it REAL Football Factories. Cos he was in a film called that you know!? Oh its just all falling into place"

People who think that FIFA10 is better than PES2010

You're quite plainly and simply wrong. The end.

Compare-the-fucking-meerkat.com

This really is a 2 fold hatred. Firstly, its a shit advert. The whole basis of which is hinged on the similarity between the words market and meerkat. The fact that these 2 words are not similar in how they sound is not an issue though, as they've computer generated a Russian meerkat, complete with terrible accent, to cover up this oversight. You honestly couldn't make this shit up.

The second part of my gripe comes from the extensive use of the word "simples" from this advert. Sometimes you wish the grammar police carried machete's. The word "simple" is singular, it never has or never will be plural, and despite this fact, you sound like a fucking retard when you say it. its about as cool as having "The Crazy Frog" as your ringtone. ZANY!!!!

And to top it off, the funny people at comparethemarket.com have designed a sister site actually called comparethemeerkat.com. If you ever fancy dying a slow death from boredom, or realise that your life has no fulfillment and purpose, go take a look. Find me one who can say the word "Simples"...... And if you do, its time to call the circus, cos you're looking at some serious cash there sunshine.

People who stand and drink at the bar

This doesn't annoy me during quiet periods, I even sometimes stand at the bar when its quiet. However, ignorant fuckers who stand there refusing to budge when its busy are on about the same level as rapists to me. They're the kind of people who enjoy talking about what they're doing at work when they are away from the office, the constant boaster and show off.

And you'll notice most of the time when you encounter one of these beasts, they usually reek of B.O, it must have been that rigorous day at the office!